Roundup Of Ricky Gervais' Jokes From The 2012 Golden Globe Awards
Ricky Gervais picked up right where he left off at last year's Golden Globe awards, literally.
"So where was I?," opened the comedian with a grin.
"You get Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the second-biggest award show on America's third-biggest network," he began. "Oh wait, fourth."
"For those of you who don't know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars," he quipped in his opening monologue, "without all that esteem."
"They are to the Oscar what Kim Kardashian (photos) is to Kate Middleton... a bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought — allegedly. Nothing has been proved."
"The Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you, or any of them, or offend any viewers or cause controversy whatsoever... they'll definitely invite me back again next year as well."
"No profanity: That's fine, I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity? See that's a shame because I've got a huge (he pointed into his crotch) vocabulary. But a tiny penis."
"I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films and especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver," he joked about the film. "I haven't seen it myself. I spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven't seen it, either. That doesn't mean it's not any good."
"And you don't need to thank everyone you've ever met, or members of your family, who have done nothing. Just do the main two: your agent and God. I know for a fact that both God and my agent had exactly the same amount of input in my career."
Gervais also took a shot at a number of other celebrities, from Justin Bieber to George Clooney.
Justin Bieber: "What a waste of a test that would have been. The only way that he could have impregnated a girl was if he used one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters."
Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage: "I've sat through James Cameron acceptance speeches that lasted longer."
Eddie Murphy: "When the man who says yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you're in trouble."
Melissa McCarthy: "She made her career this summer defecating into a sink. Defecating in a sink is less demeaning than what the rest of you've done to make it in show business."
Johnny Depp: "Johnny Depp... the man who will wear anything Tim Burton tells him. Have you seen The Tourist yet?," he asked as Depp came onstage. (Depp said "Uh, no. Oh, boy, he's fun.")
George Clooney: "If he gets any more popular or handsome, he'll be hosting this puppy next year."
Colin Firth: "What you don't know is that he's very racist. I mean, really nasty stuff. I've also seen him punch a little blind kitten. Please welcome the evil Colin Firth."
Natalie Portman: "Consequently, she's been nominated for nothing. Pathetic. But she's learned that valuable lesson that all you already learned: Never put family first."
Elton John: "Our next presenter is the queen of pop. Not you, Elton. Sit down."
Madonna: After Gervais called her "just like a virgin", with a cough, the singer replied: "If I'm still just like a virgin, Ricky, then why not come over here and do something about it. I haven't kissed a girl in a few years... on TV."